The past few days...:D

The past few days have been good...minus a few hormonal break downs and an ex that won't go away.
On Saturday we had a suprise party for my mom. We would have actually suprised her, but dad parked behind grandpa's car. (Come on dad! Seriously!) She got completely trashed and I was the DD for the night. It was fun seeing her have fun with her friends...I'm glad she has finally loosened up a little.
Sunday was amazing! I started reading Twilight on my way to the Colts game. I had the best of both worlds completely fulfilled. My nerdy side and my jock side were completely happy at the end of the day. :D
Twilight made me realize that I'm never going to be content in any of my relationships...well I guess I knew that part, but it made me realize why I'm never going to be content.
I have read a rediculous amount of books since I first learned to read. I used to bury myself in them. It was fantastic...and I'm starting to do that again. Books give you these great expectations about what I want my lift to be. ...damn books...
Yesterday and today have been fun so far...hit up taco bell yesterday and made fun of Deb...one of my professors today!
LIFE HAS BEEN TREATING ME WELL!

Students balancing to stay on budget

Money...money....money....MONEY.

College student, part-time employee, student athlete...many young Americans can be labeled as all three at the same time. Money has always been important, but it seems to be consuming the lives of many university students.

College is more expensive now than it has ever been and students are doing their best to cope with the constantly increasing costs and the fewer jobs that are readily available to them. Students who do have jobs often have to deal with the responsibilities of balancing a job, school, and any extra-curricular activities that they want to be involved in. It is almost as if the students are walking on a tight rope while juggling firey batons!

Many people are wondering if Obama will bring the change that he has promised. As of right now Obama plans on giving a scholarship for people who do community service. They will be given $4,000 in exchange for community service.

If he follows through with his plans then the extra money will be a great incentive to get students involved within their communities. This is a great way to start a generation on its way to outstanding citizens.

Obama's plan is the future and it sounds great, but right now students are working hard to stay in school. The average cost of tuition for a private school is $30,367. This means that many students are finding different ways to pay for college.

The simple answer is to work. Personally, I am working approximately 28 hours a week, along with working about ten hours a week at the school. Part-time jobs are how most students make their way through school. The problem with working so much is that education and personal lives can suffer.

Scholarships are another practical way to make more money for school. Scholarships can be obtained throuch academics, sports, and many outside sources. These scholarships can be accessed in many, many ways. Students just need to keep their eyes open.

Hopefully college tuition will become more and more afordable as time passes, but for now the struggle will remain for students. Balancing budgets may be difficult, but the experience in the end is priceless.

Heart of Darkness

"...No, it is impossible; it is impossible to convey the
life-sensation of any given epoch of one's existence--that which makes its
truth, its meaning--its subtle and penetrating essence. It is
impossible. We live, as we dream--alone...."--Page 44 Heart of
Darkness by Joseph Conrad.

When I first read this passage from the Heart of Darkness I just had to read it time and time again. I don't know if I have ever ready anything that hit so close to home. Everything that I feel can be summed up in this passage. Everything that I have ever needed to explain to someone was so eloquently stated in a mere matter of a few sentences. I wish I had Conrad's talent. He is a genius.

I have never spoken to someone whom I felt completely understood me. Many people are okay with this, it is just a fact of life, but it just leaves me searching for something more. I'm never quite happy...happy with my friends, family, significant other. I have this void space that can never be filled, I believe for me to die happy I will have to be alone.

The only person that has ever helped me through this voided space is also the person that has twisted my brain in a million directions and torn my heart completely apart. Me...the independent...the stubborn...the proud...person that I am, I let this person rip me apart every chance he gets. I caught myself letting him back in just a few days ago, until I received a nice message from his girl friend (the one he said was crazy and that he never actually dated)...his girl friend, where she criticized me for trying to get him completely out of my life...(Makes no sense I agree.) She said I was childish. She has no clue of his control. She has no clue that he cheated on her, the same way he cheated on me. It's sick and twisted and sends me spiraling back into that void time after time.

I go through these periods in my life where I am so unhappy. Nothing can fix it, I just don't feel the need to exist. Is there a need for me to exist at all? If no one can understand me, if I never directly relate to someone, is there a need for me to exist. I feel as if I have this dark void in me, I have come close to filling this part of it, but then the void just opens up even wider. Everytime I find someone or some thing to fill that void I find something wrong with it...or it finds something wrong with me.

This feeling that I have...this void...it's like a dream, just as Conrad has explained it. There are no words for me to ever fully explain how I feel. I try, but no justice is served in my feeble attempts. The audaciousness of the people who believe that everything is black and white...one way or another...just astounds me. Nothing will ever be clearly black and white, this world is nothing more than a grey spherical mess of inconsistancies. If other people accepted this reality many of the horrors in the world would no longer exist. We wouldn't be fighting over who is right or wrong about something, there is no right or wrong...just a maybe.

I am stuck at the point that Conrad discuss...I have no words to explain how I constantly feel...maybe it's that I don't feel good enough, but sometimes I feel as if I'm better than most of the people I'm around because I realize that nothing is permanent...unlike most other people in the world.

My life...is it just a dream? Is this the reality? Is this why it can't be explained...why no words can make sense of this?